mr. gorbachev, tear up this ass

Housekeys: making absolutely terrible box cutters since 1778.

DID YOU KNOW?: If you pull on the locked door of a closed establishment while looking directly at the sign indicating that it is closed, the door magically opens - just for you.

2018: when fast-food joints display their menus on walls of flat-screen tv's while fancy joints display their menus on pizzeria-style letterboards.

We made a thing. You should come. x.com/LoreleiPGH/sta…

To paraphrase the great Donald Rumsfeld, you try on pants with the waist you have, not the waist you might want or wish to have at a later time.

*Power-walks up to bar like Vince McMahon, tapping empty glass* “Three fingers of Sprite, hold the ice”

[To the tune of My Cherie Amour] 🎵”Dry cherryyy liqueur...” “Hi, this is Stevie Wonder for Luxardo maraschino...”

Motion to rename dog-eared pages “Scottish folds.”

Domhnall Gleeson eating a banh mi.* *This tweet brought to you by my brain

me: on a sloop just chilling the poor cook: taking and eating up ALL of my corn

Pronouncing semester like scenester to own the profs.

[Elton John, after not even *attempting* to explain why they call it the blues] 🎵 “And I guess that's why they call it the blues…”

Brb opening a Kalamazoo-style pizza pop-up concept.

Yo momma so old, she connects to Wherefore-Fi.

Typical Bourdain: this place has real problems, but food brings us together Pittsburgh Bourdain: this place has real problems

Aziz Campari. #sorrynotsorry

Ten months later, this remains a criminally underliked tweet.

Nothing on Planet Earth is as bad at its job as an HP printer.

Legs fell asleep on the john and now I'm staggering around like Jim Delos post-cognitive plateau.