Clear my throat? You mean make a noise? And have people LOOK at me? Nah I'll just silently choke it's cool

Introducing myself (a younger millennial) as the manager to entitled boomers who are being rude is genuinely my favourite sport

Spent a lot of time on property websites recently and now all my targeted ads about signing kids up to local private schools Like damn I haven't got it that together I'm just a ✨️dreamer✨️

Accidentally sat next to the emergency exit on the bus and damn I am not ready for this level of responsibility

Good afternoon Sharks, Today I am asking for $1M for a 7% share of my company Cat Wool. Basically, I brush cats and then turn the sheddings into wool for super soft clothing perfect for animal lovers or people who don't have lint brushes.

So excited for the weekend so I can have life based anxiety attacks instead of work ones 🥰

Just checking in to say take care of yourselves, breathe, don't spiral, reach out for support when you need it (we all do ❤️)

There has literally never been a funny April Fools joke Just stop

Just saw a 10 year anniversary edition of an album I considered "new" and hadn't listened to yet Nobody talk to me for 5-10 business days

I think my major gripe with the whole Minecraft movie chaos in theatres trend is it's not organic? Like you're literally being told it's funny and copying it because you saw it on the Internet. BE ORIGINAL DAMMIT. CAUSE CHAOS BECAUSE YOU WANT TO, NOT TO COPY

Happy birthday to the giant book that I threw at a scary bug one year ago today and have been too scared to move ever since 🥰

sorry I didn't follow you back... I stopped getting real humans 26 months ago and assumed you were a bot

Why do so many American people online seem to genuinely never stop to consider that not everybody else lives in USA?

Me: I think it's so sad that young kids have an over reliance on technology these da... Girlfriend: You googled your own birthday to see how old you were twice today

It's 7am and the woman at my bus stop is on her third sausage roll. She just keeps pulling them out her bag. I both fear and admire her

Bus driver just went the wrong way because they were loudly and very visibly distracted by "OHHH CUTE DUCKS!" Rural England is a different planet 10/10 No complaints. Give him a raise.

Me: I am the main character. My life is probably being filmed like The Truman Show and people love me. Somehow also me: I suck and everybody has definitely changed the channel

A customer at work just told me i was unprofessional for having "unkempt hair" and warned me they knew the manager Guys. It's me. I'm manager. This is the greatest day ever

Introvert status: Jump scared myself by removing noise canceling headphones and hearing ✨️life✨️