me: so female french bulldogs have really narrow hips, therefore they CAN’T get pregnant normally and we have to artificially inseminate them, and THEN the puppies are born C-section which why you definitely shouldn’t buy one from a bree- boy at the bar: i think i see my friends

Guy whose only job is to hit the kazoo once for Post Malone

This is Jessie. She works at a children’s hospital teaching patients not to be afraid of certain procedures. For an echocardiogram, just lie on your back and hold your mom’s hand. 14/10

POV: Me trying to explain “Internet Friends” to my Southern Mom

me with cheese me without cheese \😃/ ☹️ | | /| |\ / \ / \

my parents' wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy's wedding into their service?? without asking???

me after the waiter says “enjoy your food” & I say “thanks you too”

fuck it whole apple in the bowl

Watching someone behind you move to a newly opened check out line before you do.

When you see a tweet that’s just a little funny

Crabs just don’t know how good they legs is

2019 was a rough year, but it was also great. Except when it was bad. But luckily it got good again. Can’t wait for 2020. Until it sucks

one time i was my college’s mascot for a basketball game. emphasis on one time

I counted [562] #MTNDEWMAJORMELON bottles in the Mountain Dew® ad. And for a million dollars, you should, too. How’d I do, Dew? #MyPromotionEntry Rules: lifechangingdew.com

My last chance to enter the #MTNDEWMAJORMELON count, so here we go: [706] Let me know how I did. Have you counted yet? Check out the pinned tweet on Mountain Dew®. #MyPromotionEntry Rules: lifechangingdew.com