This is a horrible book on parenting.

I’m still writing my sets all analog and shit. #fyp #comedy #writing #standup #funtimes

Tonight was fun! Yay comedy!!

“I’m addicted to TRUE CRIME” - Target Shoplifter

You Up? - Antarctica Texting Anyone

Damn, shots fired Old Navy. Tell me how you really feel…

I don’t ever get “Fat Guy Horny” at work but today the office elevator smelled like fresh pizza.

You know you need to get off social media and get some sleep when your algorithm suddenly goes “JOKER COSPLAY” all of a sudden.

Damn, you sell your plasma once (fine, 12 times) and now they text like you’re in a committed relationship

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These Coldplay concerts are getting out of hand.

By the end of today I will either be severely depressed or absolutely on top of the world. I can’t wait 🐻 ⬇️

Stand-up comedy is like a 💩-ty stepdad…it’s loud, disappointing, and insists it’s “just joking” when it hurts my feelings. #joke

Really pulling for the Cubs in the playoffs this season—maybe they can finally fix the hole in time and space they tore open back in 2016.

That was messy. But a win is a win. #GoBears

Imagine living in a haunted house and being stuck with a high 30-year mortgage rate.

Broccoli rabe sounds less like a veggie & more like a guy named Rob who clears rooms with his farts.

“Trick or Treat Yourself” - Me, all October

“It started with a Ta-da… and is ending with a Ta-Davorce” - Newly single Magician