Nice to get back to US, glad to see it didn’t burn all the way to the ground while I was gone

I’ll always think about the guy who paid for the rest of my bouquet for my mom at 7-11 when I was a kid and didn’t have enough money on Mother’s Day, I hope he hits the lottery

if barry bonds went to the plate without a bat his whole career he would have hit 0 home runs

You ever get two tattoos in one night, god I’m dumb as fuck

Gotta stop getting tattooed for 10+ hours straight

Being a free agent is like that scene from Gravity where Sandra Bullock detaches from the Explorer. You’re all alone, no one is answering your calls, and you don’t know if you’ll get back to base. Your only hope is George Clooney saving you. Save me, George.

ITS FLAT FUCK FRIDAY ROLL THE CLIP

Never thought my life could be stress free like this, I could get used to this

Time to listen to my silly little audio book on the way home

Sadly I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone to watch bull riding with, a man can dream though

Not another Tommy John surgery, 3 in one month is no fair

Whoever is watching stuff on my streaming service profiles better cut it out or start watching better stuff so it’s not as obvious

Do cops just not stop and help people who are broken down anymore, was that like a fever dream from my childhood

Don’t shit where you eat

Wish my name was Bogdan Bogdanovich

Grandpa Carl’s flying house

Already sold what I sold the entirety of last year in just 9 and a half months

JoJo and Erma

It’s time to make bad financial decisions everyone

Just bought 72 lava lamps, no one can stop me