I haven't waited on a table in years. Of course I don't go anywhere. But don't have to wait on a table.

Travel? I don't need to travel. I played Cruisin' USA.

Naoko Machida

Idk, I'm just a key holder looking for my gate keeper over here.

I haven't been out this late since.. oh yeah, her... 🤍

Does anyone else have trouble reading fiction? Like you try but all you can visualize is this dude in his office all like "and then this happens and then THIS happens haha and then THIS HAPPENS! Boy, that'll really get em."

I stream, you stream, we all stream for eye strain.

People take vacation and miss their cats. I take vacation to spend time with mine. 😸

You cheddar believe that tomorrow's National Cheese Day is a hot time to know about AMC MovieNachos Gourmet Popcorn — our bold nacho cheese flavor. 🧀🎬🍿 Now popping at #AMCTheatres for a limited time! amc.film/4jyk5ZU

We don't think we're losing our mind. We know.

What's up with all these 1hr of Lofi beats being 2 minutes of beat and then 58 minutes of trippin out on a piano?

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese" ~ Willie Nelson #WyrdWednesday #CheeseDay 📷 mouse rescue from the kitchen sink 🐭

I think the increased longevity of my latest employment is due in fact to my expectation that I'm gonna get fired every day. The minute I think this will last they'll be done with me. 😂

Well actually, they put a camera in my ear and it was so clean they were shocked. This is just terrible technique. It might take a handful of Q-tips but i could clear that hole without ever touching the drum with the stick.

When i grow up I want to be a Wurlitzer Organ.

Hard to believe people have actually been watching some of these. youtu.be/extMSGQCwA4?si…

I can't believe CBS Late Show survived 10 years without being funny.

Everyone thinks I 'sleep in' all the time. No, I get a normal amount of sleep at a different time of day.

How is the power going out at a theater even a news story? The power goes out anywhere all the time.

Still watching Craig Ferguson. I didn't realize there were other shows.