In fairness to our former President, many stable geniuses confuse me with Al Pacino....

My good friend and #1 Picket Pal Jesse Joyce wrote a hilarious (& shockingly true) historical comedy book that's very worth your time. I recommend the audio version where Jesse yells the book at you like a New York City construction worker who got his dick squished in a forklift

Are any of you lawyers? Someone just gave my five-year-old son a whistle and I'd like to file a civil suit.

One of the great prides & joys of my life has been working Jimmy Kimmel Live the past 16 years w/ a group of lunatics I am lucky to call my family, including the great & powerful Jimmy Kimmel whose kindness never ceases. Celebrate our 20th anniversary 2nite at 10 on ABC #KIMMELx20

I'm leaving Twitter now that it's run by a megalomaniacal billionaire. Please find me on the following websites, which are run by America's other most megalomaniacal billionaires...

I have an Amazon package being delivered to my porch 'before 10pm' on Halloween and I've never been more stressed in my life.

Today in our writers room a number of my coworkers debated me & Louis Virtel about whether Goldfish crackers are, in fact, crackers. They claimed Goldfish are not crackers, where as Louis and I had the correct opinion. Is there a Cracker Twitter? If so lease come to our defense

Asked if this restaurant had any gluten free options and they gave me this.

Don't ask your friends with kids how their three-day weekend was because the answer is something like 'my son had a mental breakdown at Mendocino Farms.'

Disney+ releasing their spoiler-y shows at midnight on Tuesdays feels like an intentional slight against people with kids. It's like they're trying to punish the nerds who dared to bone.

The underlying sales pitch for jigsaw puzzles is 'there are a lot of hours left until you die - here's a way to waste a few of them.'

I wonder if my therapist gets a residual check when I talk about the same shit every week.

To the kid who just asked my wife 'Are you dressed as Kelly McGillis?' - you're too old to be trick-or-treating.

For those of you who think LA is 'gross' - have you ever visited our river?

The most important lessons I've taught my kids:
#3: Kindness should be unconditional
#2: Mistakes are opportunities for growth
#1: Don't punch me in the penis while I'm holding a kitchen knife

Op-ed from my 4 year old son: I am “the worst dad ever” because Chipotle does not sell hamburgers.

My 3-year-old just said “I’m sorry for hating you” and this will now be my official catchphrase.

Fun fact: Marvel did not fire Robert Downey Jr.

Just had my most 'LA' experience yet: to get my free vaccine I had to pay $14 for parking.