To engage your audience, make sure each and every character is well rounded, relatable, flawed, and also a metaphor for Jesus. #WritingTips

Oh man, I cannot wait to write the first half of this new project, then take a nap. vulture.com/2012/06/lindel…

When people point out flaws in your writing, laugh about them! That way you can be both insulting and infuriating. #WritingTips

The cat's out of the bag: The villain in my Star Trek sequel will have poorly explained magic powers. Bet you didn't see that one coming!

Breaking Bad confuses me. Everyone acts like normal people and the plots have a point? It's like they planned it all out or something.

If you've written a character into a situation you don't have a solution for, just throw in, like, a magic tree or something. #WritingTips

Star Trek 2 spoiler: A giant space bird will scream "Spock," then vanish forever. Also, assume all poorly written characters are robots.

I've been trying to catch up on The Newsroom, but it's hard to stay interested in a show where no one is a metaphor or has magic powers.

Looks like I won't be involved in Prometheus 2. Must be because I did too awesome a job. Good luck half-writing a script without me, guys!

Whew. I'm no longer the worst thing to happen to the Aliens franchise. Special thanks to Randy Pitchford, Gearbox Software, and Mikey Neumann!

STAR TREK. FUCK YEAH! Punching throats and crushing heads. #FiveYearMissionToKickAss

Did you guys know Star Trek used to be a TV show? Apparently it was about talking and science and there wasn't a single machine gun?! Crazy!

Drama? Comedy? Why not both? Have your characters say dramatic things in a way that makes the audience laugh. Efficiency!

OH GOD THERE IS AN UNSTOPPABLE ARMY OF KLINGONS ABOUT TO INVADE! What? The writers forgot about them? Nevermind, the war is cancelled.

Remember when I joked last year that Kirk would be a metaphor for Jesus, and that my villain would have magic powers? I WASN'T JOKING.

The truth is Captain Kirk Loves women of any species. And for most of us we know that Captain Kirk and Dr. Marcus Damon Lindeloff

See, everyone? Even the guy who tweets about "upskirts" doesn't think I'm sexist

Man, this True Detective show is the worst. The characters are so interesting and real, and not a single one is a metaphor for Jesus.

If I wrote True Detective, Woody Harrelson would've been a magic robot by episode three.

@bwillitwo I heard what you said about my movie, motherfucker.