Hey, I wrote tonight's Family Guy episode. It's on at 9pm on FOX. Enjoy! @FamilyGuyOnFOX tvline.com/2017/03/17/fam…

I pray there's no video of me chasing after that restaurant napkin that blew off my outdoor table.

Jared Kushner's the kinda guy who yells, "Play Kokomo!" at a Beach Boys concert.

Fucking heartbreaking to see a restaurant just now start using Mason jars for glasses.

Kinda had it with the "Thanks for all the birthday love! You guys rock!" Facebook people.

Whenever I see someone asleep on a plane I think, "Wow. That's how they're going to look when they're dead."

Scary thought: Someone somewhere has video of you dancing at a concert.

Adults need an app that alerts us when we are being secretly photographed in public by mean teenagers.

After putting on the sixth necklace everyday, I bet Johnny Depp kinda regrets committing so hard to always looking like that.

Sean Hannity looks like the kinda guy waitresses do nervous silent nods to each other about when he enters a steakhouse.

Hi, I’m your home. Welcome back from vacation. Now unlock the door, step inside and be horrified with how the inside of me actually smells.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders looks like every woman eating lobster on a cruise ship.

Instagram is now just people saying "YAAAAAS!" back and forth to each other.

FYI: I will be taking all of tomorrow off from work as I try to find the “unsubscribe” button on a single email.

I think we all need to admit the cars The Price Is Right gives away are just okay.

Which Netflix food documentary is going to make YOU unbearable to be around for a month?

I wouldn't wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

Every other Facebook post now starts with, “I don’t usually get into stuff like this on here but…"

When I'm bored at an airport I love running by the gate to Fort Lauderdale and yelling, "Oh my God! Kenny Chesney died!"

We should just let Tom Petty choose who gets to be president from now on.