Dad: My allergies… Kid: don’t do it Dad: …are starting to act up… Kid: ugh Dad: …I guess you could say… Kid: please no Dad: ‘TIS THE SNEEZIN’!!!!!! #allergies #dadjoke #nevergetsold

Kroger cashier: Paper or plastic? Me: (Bagging my own groceries) I ain’t too proud to bag. #dadjoke #temptations

And my Grammy goes to…Golden Corral every Sunday!

Rich Voluptuous Allergies #RVA

It’ll be neat to watch the pieces come together.

Hear me out… Jane’s Addiction cover band from RVA named James’ Addiction.

They almost got aweigh with it.

Golf clap.

Can’t wait to retire and meet my bros at @Kroger at 5pm for beers in the bar area. Wife will never look for me there! 😂😂😂

On lunch today I was at a stop light in Richmond and an old couple next to me rolled their window down and asked if there was anywhere nearby to eat. I said yeah I’m on lunch right now just follow me. They followed me to Belvedere 7-Eleven 🐀…

Third best state for business. First for sugar daddies. #Virginia

An amphitheater at Tredegar sounds great but where will I play hacky sack?

The kids are saying I have a PhD in humor studies

Hey Siri, Are Chris Hilbert and Dilbert related?

It was between this and FrankenDad. Did I make the right choice?

My TED talk is sophisticated and mature. It’s a THEODORE talk. #dadjokes

School just called. Tornado warning extended. Kids sheltering in place until last call. Enjoy your weekend.

THIS JUST IN: Twitter has been renamed The Void, and tweets have been renamed Screams

I just wish the #ChineseSpyBalloon was shot down over the James River so we could hear everyone at Texas Beach on these Twitter vids

Bought a 250 horsepower motorboat. Imagine my disappointment when I got it out on the lake and discovered horses can’t swim.