Studies show that you shouldn't brush your teeth with your left hand They found toothbrush works much better

What does a candy bar do when you tell it a dad joke? It Snickers.

Monday – Greg, Tuesday – Ian, Wednesday – Greg, Thursday – Ian, Friday – Greg, Saturday – Ian, Sunday – Greg The Gregorian calendar

My cousin just posted "I'm expecting twins" So I replied , "Finally 2 kids from the same man" Now I’m blocked

I was cuddling with my wife when she said, "Treat me like I'm a queen!". So I married her off to our neighbor to strengthen our political alliance.

Remember the first time I rubbed you out? Genie: Please, don't say it like that

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas, or he could just hit me over the head with a boat paddle. It was an Ether/Oar situation

A hole appeared in the wall around the local nudist colony Police are looking into it

Two nuns were riding their bikes down a cobblestone street On their way to the church. One nun says to the other, "I've never come this way before". The other nun replied, "Must be the cobblestones"

I asked my wife if sex is a chore to her "Not really", she replied, "Chores make me feel satisfied afterwards"

Police officer: "Anything you say can and will be held against you." Dad: "Boobs."

Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" The other replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs"

What does a sea monster eat for dinner Fish and ships

I bought a second-hand time machine last Sunday… They just don’t make ‘em like they’re going to anymore…

My wife asked me to stop singing "Wonderwall" I said maybe.

My daughter asked me if that was a booger on my nose. I told her it's snot.

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day, his name was... Pikup Andropov

Did you know God's name is Andy? Yup. In the song, we sing "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”

I was feeling down yesterday. I asked my wife "Am i useless?" She said "No honey, you are not useless, you can be used as a bad example."

My wife said I need to stop pretending I’m a weather reporter More on that cold front between us later.