Ozzy: Daddy, it's not fair! You get loads of cool parcels and I never get anything! Me: You know what, you're right. The next cool parcel they arrives for me, you can have. Ozzy: Yaaaay! Thank you! The next parcel to arrive:

Me: Any idea what to have for dinner tonight? Wife: Oh we're having gammon and eggs with roast baby potatoes. Me: You're making that? Wife: I didn't say I was making it, but that's what we're having.

I got a new pencil today and I'm unreasonably happy about it.

I swear at least half of you guys are just AI.

"What kind of weather?" "Yes."

Imagine winning the lottery! People: House. Sports car. Me: Brand name baked beans!

Today I hoovered the big hoover with the little hoover. That's the kind of person I am nowadays.

Gee. I wonder what it could be....

Me: Jack, why are you so hyper right now?! Jack: I'm not hyper, I'm just weird!

Sometimes I wonder what Americans do with all their free time after taking a whole syllable out of the word aluminium.

I think my phone's facial recognition only knows it's me when I look slightly concerned.

Jack: Can I have a pear please? Me: A pair of what? Jack: Why are you always like this?

It's not a proper school run unless it's raining.

It's been a little while since I read a book. Mostly because I'm terrible at choosing what's next. But I finally chose and started one today!

Wife: I don't feel too good, I'm going to bed early tonight. Me: Oh no *switches on telly* that sounds like a good plan *turns on ps5* I hope you feel better soon *starts fallout 4*

Occasionally I have to cycle the order of my clothes in the cupboard otherwise I'll just wear the same 2 sets of clothes forever.

I don't even drink tea, but I'm starting to suspect 90% of the cups of tea made each day are just an excuse to eat biscuits.

The sort of message you have to send people when you're a parent...

This notebook sounds sarcastic...

Me: Why are you being so childish?! Ozzy: Because I'm a child... Me: .......Yep.....fair enough.