The biggest irony is that these documentaries about the Fyre Festival are making more money than the festival itself ever could have.

I was once talking to a former coworker about going to therapy and he just said “you know, sometimes we all need a little help over the hump.” That’s the kindest way I’ve had anyone approach my mental health. It changed me, and I think about that moment often.

I started paying attention to all the dirty mirrors on Tinder and now I can’t turn it off, which is a real problem because it would seem that 95% of millennial women don’t know what Windex is.

Take notes, ladies...

God I miss Harambe

My ideal 2020 matchup? Trump v. Biden- 5 rounds in the octagon. Winner takes America. Late in the 4th, Biden’s blood pressure medication makes him fall onto Trump, choking him out in the process of falling unconscious. Ref Big John McCarthy is declared the winner. America is ok.

So stay single and get therapy.

Generation Y? More like Generation

due to the coronavirus outbreak, we are declaring a state of emergency. we will be closed until further notice. in the interim, we are offering a delivery service where a guy in a hazmat suit comes to your house, explains splash mountain to you and then sprays you with a hose.

I was kicked out of the Freemasons because I kept saying “Conspiracy?! ...More like Illumi-Naughty...”

Everyone at Lucasfilm mourns the passing of Grant Imahara. A beloved colleague at Industrial Light & Magic for many years, and cherished by many more on television, Grant's curiosity, imagination, and heart will remain an inspiration to us all.

My body is a temple, but not like a Jewish one or a Buddhist one? More... Burning Man? Where at least once of year it gets a week of good reverence but then it all goes up in flames

If the Los Angeles Chargers aren’t at least humoring a tongue-in-cheek sponsorship from Tesla, they don’t deserve to be in the league anymore 🤷🏼‍♂️

Merry Christmas John Stamos !!!

WHAT ARE WE DOING?!?!

I spent $44 billion for this app and now Lizard boy just decided to hit copy and paste. It’s personal now. See you in the cage, Zuck.

Super committed to loving my enemies, but some of these motherfuckers do not make it easy.