( at work ) Jose: Hey man, are you coming to the conference room for my birthday? Me: No way, Jose. Jose: There's cake and cinnamon churros.... Me:

When your mom tells everyone to gather around so she can take a family photo to post on Facebook:

I gave up drinking but fortunately drinking didn’t give up on me

APPLEBEES: Because you don’t want to change out of your pajamas to go to lunch.

Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: I taught my cat how to play soccer. Coworker: Cats can’t play soccer! My Cat:

Now that you see the role you play in people’s lives, you must protect your energy at all costs. Not everyone deserves access.

Let’s speak in silence, and fall into the galaxies behind each other’s eyes.

I don’t want crazy in love. I want calm in love. Safe in love. A regulated nervous system in love.

Sorry to hear Fyre Festival 2 has been cancelled. I was really looking forward to the scathing documentaries.

*Batman voice* More ice cream sprinkles please

They put you in a box—then resent you for not staying there.

Got my mom a gift. I’m pretty sure it’s not gonna be good enough-just like everything else and she will spend half the day tomorrow complaining about it so yeah, happy Martyr’s Day mom.

*trying to sleep* tell me another story, David Attenborough

Beware. There are people in the grocery store that you know, that want to chat with you. Stay vigilant.

Eat your protein, get a Costco hotdog.

I'm an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.

I'm white, but not dyeing organic, cage free range Easter eggs from Whole Foods after pictures with the Easter Bunny at Sunday brunch white.

When you find some chocolate that doesn't taste so good during your Easter egg hunt.