When you’re used to receiving crumbs in relationships, you start to learn how to sustain yourself on them, and may try to work harder to “earn” a whole loaf. You were never meant to subsist on crumbs. You deserve a whole feast— and you get to decide who’s invited to your table.

Healing does not mean banishing parts of ourselves or simply forgetting painful experiences. Healing often means becoming curious about those parts of ourselves,and integrating our painful experiences so we learn to accommodate their existence and continue living alongside them.

Often, the rhetoric that we must forgive those who have harmed us can also teach us to bypass our genuine experiences and set us up for more pain. True trauma healing starts with validating our authentic experience, and leaves space for CHOICE around how we want to move forward.

Healing can be a lonely journey as we learn that we don’t have to tolerate poor treatment, and start pruning offenders out of our lives. It’s easy to get stuck in the “there’s nobody healthy out there for me” phase…but know that “pruning” is meant to bring in healthy growth.

Sometimes we abandon ourselves in order to “keep things together,” convincing ourselves this is the best way to show up for those who count on us. More often,this self-betrayal is a recipe for deadening ourselves,numbing out,& eventually teaching those watching us to do the same.

Sometimes it’s hard to tolerate a healthy relationship after toxic/abusive ones. When we’ve adapted to the emotional rollercoaster, a smooth coast may feel “boring” or suspicious. We might actually need to help rewire our brains to feel safe enough to receive stability + peace.

When you try to build a relationship on “potential,” or the hope that the other person could change, you’re not loving them where they’re at. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to give them space to be just as they are, and decide whether that includes you or not.

Whenever you find yourself thinking, “I wish they could just change THIS [thing other person doesn’t want to/isn’t aware of needing to change],” consider how hard (or impossible) it has been for you to change a long-standing habit/pattern/trait that you actually WANTED to change.

Many of our problematic patterns as adults are behaviors we learned we had to perform in order to survive and receive love as children. When safety and connection are not created, and love is not freely given, we learn to work for it rather than believing we already deserve it.

If you don’t know what you want, first trying focusing on what feels good in your body.What basic NEEDS are there?Which people,places + practices feel supportive?Which ones don’t? Listen to body cues as guidance.When your brain feels safe, then you’ll have better access to WANTS.

“Just think positive” completely disregards the function of the brain: to protect us & keep us alive. You’re not a “negative person” for having fearful/catastrophizing thought patterns. You have a brain that has learned to anticipate threats according to your unique environment.

There is no guarantee that your friends/loved ones will grow at the same pace or in the same direction as you. Since we can’t force anyone to shift,maybe we can normalize acknowledging differences,taking a step back,or letting these relationships go if they no longer make sense.

The body’s freeze response isn’t “laziness”—it’s the nervous system saying “I’m overwhelmed and need to conserve resources” in response to perceived threat (whether we’re aware of the trigger or not). Animals don’t judge themselves for this,but our brains like to create stories…

Individuals with C-PTSD may experience physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches, and chest pains. They may also experience health problems such as fibromyalgia, IBS, acid reflux, migraines, chronic fatigue syndrome and autoimmune illnesses. Source: Mayo Clinic

Self-sabotage is often an adaptive survival strategy developed in response to early trauma or unmet developmental needs. When we face overwhelming experiences in childhood,the nervous system may adopt certain behaviors or thought patterns as a way to protect us from further pain.

Defensive detachment in childhood is a coping strategy where preemptively distancing from caregivers protects against emotional pain. In adulthood,this can show up as difficulty trusting,fear of intimacy,and a tendency to isolate,keeping us disconnected from others and ourselves.