Someone asked me yesterday what's the difference between ignorance and apathy. I don't know and I don't care.

I feel srory for the 45 plepoe who cna't raed this.

When a muffin explodes and becomes an elephant.

They said it was impossible, but it's finally happened.

One of my friends has a parrot that wouldn't stop swearing, so he put him in the fridge. After 20 minutes, he took the parrot out and asked if he had learnt his lesson. Shivering, the parrot promised to be good, but said he had one question: "What did that chicken do?"

Once upon a time, newspapers had proofreaders

A friend told me this morning he made an unfortunate spacing error while booking his holiday this year. "I'm now looking forward to a week on the Norfolk B roads," he said.

This is why spacing is so important.

A neighbour told me he used to be a good footballer. He decided to make a comeback this season and joined a local team called The Musketeers. They've already played four pre-season friendlies. Their results in these games have been three wins and a draw. All 4-1 and one 4-all.

There's no way you'd get me on that plane.

I'm thinking of entering. Even I could complete that race.

That language is a bit strong for a driving instructor.

My old Thesaurus had become tatty due to regular use over many years, so I bought a new one yesterday. But when I got home with it I found all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

"That's the last time you crap on my head."

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers please."

I think you've got your money's worth there, mate.

You've got to admit that if Jesus said this 2,000 years ago, that's bloody impressive.

The worst poker face ever.

AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Caught speeding so far: * Six planes * Three helicopters * Four pigeons * One eagle * Superman * A really fast cloud