Calling out of work because I was circumcised 25 years ago

A decent portion of the male population shouldn't be alive. We should have died by famine, war, disease, etc.

Owning a dog really puts into perspective how unorthodox Brian’s relationship with Peter and the rest of the Griffin family is.

The prostitute in my bed in the early hours of the morning after a long night of drinking so much I couldn't get hard: I really just think of you as a friend

How to ingest nicotine without smoking?Wish there was a way, sad.

Tag someone you'd relieve yourself with 👇

Me when pull out of her vaginna😭:

I can't breathe without lung pain right now — just a little factoid about me. Sorry if it's not that interesting. I'm pretty stupid, and dumb. It's cool.

Yeah, I'm every woman's fantasy

Bros!! Does anyone else feel like this emoji right now? 😎

Attractive people shouldn't be allowed to make art

My bitch lives on the Coast of Spergistan

One time I ordered from sweetwater and they didn't give me the little bag of candy in the box, and that's when I knew everyone on earth hated me and wanted me to die.

girls like pink because it is the color of my penis

the worst part about nicking a vein is having to clean up all that blood horny as hell

At school the other kids make me so angry I cant help but ball up my fist and grind my teeth into little nubs. They put my head in the toilet and flush and it makes me feel sexually uncomfortable