The Church™'s position on abortion remains the same. We permit it under situations such as rape or incest, unless the rape or incest is committed by one of our prophets, such as Brigham Young or John Taylor, in which case you must carry the child to term.

87,000 new IRS agents? Applying my Celestial efficiency ratio, this means I need to hire 870 more accountants to follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost assuring my money remain invisible and elusive. Uncle Sam can't outsmart this Lord!

It's not that we're intentionally "protecting" rapists and abusers. We're merely protecting the church's image and anything else that comes from this is incidental; unintended. This isn't what the media is making it out to be. It's bigger than you.

Joseph Smith and his underage wives are a Public Relations nightmare. I know we woke folk on Twitter have empathy, so please consider the difficult times my PR department is going through assuring we don't lose any further tithes over this! #AllPublicRelationsMatter #ThemToo

I won't get into this argument about student loans, but I WILL say that if I were having my financial sins forgiven by the federal government, I wouldn't want to be caught shorting God his 10% cut. So pay up, brothers and sisters.

If you're still mad about people having their burdens forgiven without earning it, we need to have a discussion about the atonement. Contact my clerk to schedule a meeting for which I'll be 45 minutes late, but expecting you to wait in the lobby should someone cancel.

Can someone get the Queen baptized this afternoon? kthx.

Why are praying to me about an Egg McMuffin in politics? I don't care who your senator is, Utah. So long as they keep churches tax exempt & free from fiscal oversight you can elect a McFlurry or Jello. Less frivolous requests; I need to focus on finding this young woman's keys.

With the GB Pound at record lows, I'm considering only accepting tithing in USD. This is the way of a global church.

It's true that Elon Musk has increased his power and social influence via acquisition of Twitter, but without Priesthood Power™, he lacks the power to win.

Joseph made it all up.

One of the big issues of the pandemic is that it turned everyone into coffee snobs. Before we'd secretly drive thru Starbucks and consume tar-like coffee in private, but now single roast beans are in the fridge with paraphernalia out in the open! This is not okay. Coffee is BAD!

This CHRISTmas let us remember the true reason for the season: Passive-aggression toward your inactive relatives and subtly shaming them during the dinner blessing. I can't join your meal if you don't unnecessarily mention the blessings of lost sheep returning to My gospel.

All right ladies, polygamy is back on the menu and you're all my Valentine today, even those of you who didn't doubt your doubts. My intern is getting the 15-passenger van ready, because a fancy dinner at the Lion House is on me tonight 😘

When discussing our illicit tax evasion practices, please be sure to refer to us as the "Mormon Church" - we must separate that questionable organization from the shining beacon upon a hill known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints™

Okay Brothers and Sisters, you may stop praying for moisture. We are good now.

A reminder that even if it's 110⁰F out, you still need to wear your knee-length, cotton undergarments and cap sleeve undershirts. The persistent sweat and discomfort will serve as a constant reminder of my deep love of your conformity.

Stop calling it Pie 'N' Beer Day or I'll be forced to have your bishop call you to teach this week's Sunday School lesson, and your topic will be "self-abuse"

Merry Birthday to me. Wait, are people still using this non-bird app? No matter, as you visit with your family this holiday please remember that passive-aggression is the true reason for the season.

My apologies for having gone missing for the past year, but it's not the first, nor the last, nor even the longest that I've gone missing from this great world of yours. What's new since 2023?