This mattress salesmen started off his pitch with an explanation that the brand was first designed for bedridden people in hospitals to prevent bed sores, and I was really impressed that he immediately perceived the lifestyle I’m looking for

sleeping with a military guy and then telling him he can’t stay over because of the 3rd amendment

Once, in college, i walked past a church, right as sunday service let out, while wearing a tube dress and heels from the night before. and yet it still doesn’t feel as embarrassing as when I drag my garbage and recycling bins to the curb at 2am because i forgot pickup is tomorrow

Golf is kinda sus. Why are you evaluating another man’s stroke

me every five minutes at costco: well that’s simply too many

WHY DOES IT KINDA???

my hobbies? in THIS economy? cooking from scratch, gardening from scraps, reading the books I already own, walking, selling all my things, etc.

once again thinking about the time i was in a store and they played Closing Time twice in a row and I still didn’t get it

don’t let people disparage you for choosing a bottle of wine based on the label. graphic design is important and you are a 𝓈𝓊𝓅𝓅𝑜𝓇𝓉𝑒𝓇 𝑜𝒻 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒶𝓇𝓉𝓈

imo boomers don’t have as strong a grasp on how rife the internet is with fraudulent information/people because they’ve never been a tricky little lying 13-year-old, conning their way across the internet out of sheer boredom

americans be like "MM:DD:YY" is how u say dates verbally and then have a national holiday called "4th of July"

i can count on both hands the number of times i've lost nine fingers in a fireworks accident

well well well another week, another opportunity to completely miss

so these thieves, just how thick are we talking?

Not really an overstatement to say that the test of a free society is whether or not comedians can make fun of the country's leader on TV without repurcussions.

I refuse to believe people are still packing by flinging their negligées into an open hardshell suitcase on the bed, buckling it shut with clothes poking out the sides, and throwing it into the trunk of a taxi they called breathlessly from the corner payphone in 1955

I like to curate my timeline so that I’m only caught up on news you can make fun of

no, please, this is my emotional support prop cigarette