In London. Just found out cockneys are real. Thought they were made up in Only Fools and Horses, like Hobbits Lord of the Rings or Whales in Moby Dick

Since moving out almost a year ago, I've probably spoken to my mum by bothering her on the phone more than I spoke to her for the whole 23 years of cohabitating with her.

Lorde's new album is very very good, guys

Where do we reckon they got the black sludge coffee from in Monster's Inc. and do you think I could get myself some?

Being a Reds fan is pure masochism. Why do I put myself through this?

Ignore previous tweet. God is good

Today has been 10/10

Nephew just called Bloons TD 6 "So realistic"

Why isn't there a gin that's marketed itself as The Spirit of Christmas?

Andrew Garfield Spiderman deffo cries after sex

Watching Star Trek: Next Generation for the first time and it took them two episodes before someone fucks an android

Q: Why are pirates called pirates? A: Because they arrrr Q: Why do pirates always say 'aye?' A: Because they doooooo

One Babybel ain't enough. Two Babybel is too much. It's a hard life.