(clearly not listening) hell yeah

they should make a store called “don’t come in here whatever you do 😖” i would shop there

*swipes everything off the table* *lays out giant map* *pointing* this my house I live there 🥰

Everything happens for this one silly reason

my contact at the rat factory says the new rats will be "very loud" and make a "grinding" sound when they think

Stockholders Syndrome

me at the bank: what the fucking kind of loan is this

i was gonna brush up against you like a cat but whatever bro

Can somebody tell me they’re proud of me. You can get pretty vague with it

One man’s nook is another man’s cranny

I sentence you to like 20 or 30 hard booty spankings

perhaps my bus to work has entered an ethereal realm

a hangman’s noose around my caboose this morning

I bet it feels so good to be a fucking weird white boy

can i come over the floor is lava

having one hyperfixation is cool, but have you ever had two at the same time? like you’re doing the first and you’re excited about doing the second one when you’re done. Absolute Nirvana.

There’s an anomaly in my house and it’s pissing me off

girl thats not dirty talk, I’m filibustering cuz I can’t hold my nut

the first guy to get called the bee’s knees was probably very confused