Me after my own joke:

[all staff training] anyone: so let’s say a medium-sized vegetarian dragon infuses the itemized deductions along column 8 - how, if at all, does that change the process? kind of specific I know haha ok but what if?

PLEASE LISTEN CLOSELY AS OUR MENU OPTIONS HAVE RECENTLY CHANGED

5pm:

7th grade, 2007: emo punk is life lerooooooooy nnjjjjenkins roflcopter lylas 7th grade, 2019: the hegemonic forces within our colonized society are based upon misogyny, racism, and ultimate exclusion

why am i embarrassed every time i turn on my electric toothbrush

[MOTH STORYSLAM] Story 1: and there I was. Playing the trumpet in the bleachers just like I always dreamed Story 2: and I told my captor, listen, you’ll never get to my grandma’s gold if it kills me

Fully welcoming any guest payments on my undergrad student loans!!!!!! Make that click!!!!!!

[1999] ME: hey mom ca- MOM: NO WHITE BREAD!!!!!

Timmy Wise INDEED