Got pulled over today, cop asked “do you know what the speed limit is?” I said “officer the only limits are the ones we place on ourselves” He was 🤯. This is what it’s about, inspiring and changing the world one conversation at a time. ….also anyone got $5k for bail?

Two days ago the NYT posted an investigation into politicians trading stocks They found that 81 Democrats & 101 Republicans filed up to 3,700 trades and $100M in possible volume Many had 100% winners, with some perfectly timed Here’s examples of just how good they were

I thought I was lucky they managed to fit my entire order on to one truck, just my luck that truck crashes. My sexual frustration continues.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? 🤪 Because 7 has been charged with multiple counts of harassment and assault. 7, photo shown here, is a danger to numeric society. Any information you have on their whereabouts should be relayed to authorities. If you see something say something.

They stay off Twitter

Nope 2: Underwater Double Nope

“Brother I just shit and pissed myself!” I like to imagine that is unrelated to the lightning and he’s just having a tough day.

I only use this line in January

Wait I thought Jynx had Sturdy? 🤔

Saw a local horse already rocking Fall 2022 collection on my drive to work today. Just look at this, jean SHOES are you kidding me? Neigh? More like SLAY!

Stephani??

SBF = Sam Bankman-Fried? Nah. More like Super Bad-at-Fraud! #boomroasted #SBF 😤😤🫡🤮😵‍💫

What a bonkers headline. Should have known better than to bring that beef sausage to India.

Do what? 😳 Just Do WHAT exactly Michael Myers??

Ordering today, I notice the cashier has a name tag that says “Emily” and a necklace that says “Taylor” Me: “so which is it? Emily or Taylor?” Her: “Emily. Taylor is my brother who died of leukemia.” Me:… Her:… Me: “I’ll have the number 2 please” #makingfriends😊

Just bombed my ass off at an open mic. A literal 6 year old girl followed me, absolutely buried me. #comedy My humility stat is officially maxed out. (I asked her for writing tips afterwards)

Trump: “Canada will be the 51st state!” Puerto Rico: “yo wtf?”

(Checking into my hotel in Memphis) Me: do y’all have a list of fun stuff to do in Memphis? Her:…no? Me: that makes sense, I’ve heard Memphis is really boring. Her: who told you that? Memphis has so much going on! (I’m here to do comedy and my first joke DID NOT land)

Today I farted so loud in the Chick Fil A bathroom that when I walked out I got looks…multiple looks.

I’m in Minneapolis watching the Thunder play in game 2 of the finals. I’m the only one in this bar cheering for the Thunder. They’re looking at me like I’m some kind of traitor 😂