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If I’m ever caught eating a fried pork chop, I am probably depressed. #ArcherFXX

AJTTOTD: If she's shopping with him, she's sleeping with him. Maybe next time you’ll make more of an effort to partake in her interests. #ArcherFXX

“Better yet, let’s boil it.” — Russians #ArcherFXX

AJTTOTD: A martini with a couple of those blue cheese olives counts as dinner. #ArcherFXX

My Albanian doorman needs to work on his repartee. Not every conversation has to include stories of war crimes. #ArcherFXX

AJTTOTD: Do not trust chiropractors. Doctors should not be allowed to wear jeans. #ArcherFXX

AJTTOTD: She’s not mad at you, she’s just Finnish. #ArcherFXX

Scarf season is upon us. Do not abuse this privilege. #ArcherFXX

Of course your dog is happy to see you. They have Stockholm syndrome. #ArcherFXX

I’ll take Scotland seriously once they stop naming pubs “Jonty McGinty’s” and “The Snaffle Bit”. #ArcherFXX

A good profession to claim when you are undercover is an Egyptologist. No one ever questions it. If someone who really is an Egyptologist confronts you, just ask them what period they specialize in: "You specialize in the Middle Kingdom? I'm more of an Old Kingdom guy.”

Todd's not a bad name. #ArcherFXX

I feel like I had something to do today but I can't remember... Oooh! Wait! Wait, I had something for this. Nope, lost it. Oh well. Happy Wednesday everyone! #ArcherFXX

Just thinking out loud, could NASA's budget cover some of my bar tabs? Both are astronomical. #ArcherFXX

AJTTOTD: You’re allowed to wear animal prints if you are a tiger, leopard, cheetah, or Elton John (a zebra named Elton John). #ArcherFXX

For reasons I care not to disclose I am banned from the city of Venice (I called my gondolier a water mime). #ArcherFXX

Does anyone know if tapirs can be litter box trained? Or do you just let them take over the entire study? #ArcherFXX

AJTTOTD: Teamwork makes the dream work, if the team is a bunch of glue-sniffing coworkers and the dream is watching them fight over a blooming onion at lunch. #ArcherFXX

Turtleneck season is approaching. Tread lightly. #ArcherFXX

AJTTOTD: Dip your face in ice water to help close your pores. Or just pull an ice cube out of your whiskey glass and rub it around. #mornings #selfcare #ArcherFXX