Looks like I picked the wrong day to open my chunky knitwear and casserole emporium.

Monkey is 18, and definitely enough to buy fags.

Work tip: maintain an air of mystery and intrigue by editing all your teams messages just after you send them.

I bet even Jordan Henderson's like 'Really? Why?'

Sky Sports News No wonder he got caught lacking at the back post every other week. He was up all night on Duolingo

I don't think much to these worlds leaders.

What has this place become. A verified cuntfest it seems.

Ok

My family definitely weren't villains

I was going to look at some pictures of Jeff Bezos' wedding but decided to remove my own cornea with a hot spoon instead.

€18m on grapes? Jesus christ.

My brother let me borrow his car to go to a safari park and I sent him this photo.

Just watched a video of David Beckham tend his vegetable patch and subsequently discovered the exact point where scrolling becomes doom scrolling.

Apparently Rod Stewart has asked to have a box of spare throats on stage just in case. #Glastonbury

If a colleague asks how your holiday was it's actually illegal to not say that it feels like a lifetime ago already.

I'm glad we didn't get the heatwave in Scotland. Who wants heat? And a wave? No thanks.

Nothing to see here apart from a woman eating a roast dinner out of a storage box.

Why does my girlfriend always wait until I'm at the opposite end of the house before asking me to 'Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!'?