Been sat in the garden all day and if you were to use a B&Q paint chart to measure my tan, I've gone from Brilliant White to Natural Fawn.

But nah, let's put a hashtag in, so folks at home can follow our EPIK BANTZ via the hashtag #MURY. Pricks.

I'm up to date with Game of Thrones. What the fucking fuck?!

Just found out the hard way, the milk's off.

Windows 10 is WORSE than Windows 8! Half of the programmes don't open and the ones that do take an age.

Going to give The Last Kingdom a try. #TheLastKingdom

Thought it was a great start to the series and I'll definitely be watching episode 2. #TheLastKingdom

I know I shouldn't be excited about storage boxes for Xmas decorations, but I am, so there.

The question is, how am I supposed to wait until December 1st to open this beauty?

Which found objects from a 28yr womans flat, say, could be used to give to Trick or Treaters if all the sweets were eaten? #AskingForAFriend

Today I experienced that rarest of joys, finishing a roll of tape. This picture is so satisfying to me.

Dads of the nation are about to go a bit quiet for the next half hour. #SimplyNigella

David Cameron's photoshopped poppy is his biggest PR faux pas since... oh.

tossing off clay cocks large man cries in a hanky what the fucking fuck? #GreatPotteryThrowDown #haiku

30 mins into #MyPsychicLife and it hasn't featured a single person Reece Shearsmith couldn't play perfectly.

I just stepped on a roller and called it a "cock knob" because I'm a tough guy and really good at swearing.

I have been screaming at the TV for the last 20 mins. This is bloody great TV. #TheLastKingdom

Greetings to Kenny. RIP #CarrieFisher

There's a difference between somebody who wants you and somebody who would do anything to keep you. Remember that.