being an only child seems so weird to me. like, what, you’re just third-wheeling your parents all the time? couldn’t be me

outkast: I’m sorry ms. jackson ms. jackson: *thinking* is this guy for re- outkast: I am fo REEEAAaaal ms. jackson: oh ok

I hate when people are like “you brought that HUGE suitcase for THREE days???” as if I just have an assortment of different sized suitcases at my disposal

I’m not single I’m just between boyfriends rn

so sick of people calling me misandrist when Mr. Andrist and I have been married for years so it should be Mrs.

wonder what it’s like having the last name Jones, knowing everyone’s always trying to keep up with you

I like how people say “I bought it at a FRACTION of the retail price!” as if you can’t make a fraction out of any two numbers

swifties will post a picture like “they say I did something bad, so why’s it feel so good?” and they just got a shoulder-length haircut

Jesus came into this world as an intern, but He will come again as the CEO

30-something year old dudes be announcing their birthday parties with a picture of themselves as a 5-year-old to try and distract you from the fact that they’re old

Sebastian the crab was the victim of a toxic work environment

Tradia Súper painful when US Latines are mocked for not speaking Spanish. I speak it because I was born in Venezuela and it was spoken at home. Generations before me in many places weren’t allowed to speak Spanish at school. Their parents protected them from discrimination by teaching

I keep getting ads to freeze my eggs but it’s like how does the algorithm even know I have chickens?

my menstrual cup runneth over

I mean…

can’t believe “white Christmas” is actually about cocaine

all the men chortling in the comments lmao China selectively aborted a significant % of its females, and the remaining women are now refusing to marry at historic rates. There are entire towns full of single males. a culture that mistreats its daughters is doomed to collapse.

entering my ho(ly ghost) phase

one like and I’ll send this to my ex-situationship

why does breakfast in bed sound fancy but dinner in bed sounds depressed