ME: You win some, you lose some WIFE: Where are the kids

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife... I had a salad

[creating a clone of Beyoncé] lmao Beytwicé

ME: It's finally cooled down enough to sleep ALARM: Guess what bitch

the colour of a dad's neck at the bbq

[snail newsroom] "Another slow news day, fellas?" *newsroom erupts into laughter* {snails eventually high-5}

prison

Since I've started dressing as a large flightless bird for the office, I'm beginning to feel quite ostracised

April fools.

April fools.

Leo DiCaprio tearing up royalty checks because Titanic was released 25 years ago

We thought boris johnson was bad but liz truss killed the queen on day one

Still queueing up to high 5 the queen

April fools.

After several years of careful research I can confirm I have wasted my life

April fools.

I got twitter blue and my wife came back with the kids

Thanks. 😬

He's not even trying anymore...