Please don’t forget that we have a very catchy theme song that Smashbert wrote & sang

I’m 31 years old and what I’ve learned is this: if my stomach is upset, it’s because there’s something wrong in my life, and if I’m upset, there’s something wrong in my stomach

Maybe this is controversial, but I don’t think anyone should have to be sad ever

there’s an interesting phenomenon where men on dating apps will say, “you seem like a wonderful person” before you’ve met them and it’s sad because I would never say that to a man I’ve never met or even one I’ve known 10 years

the most attractive thing a man on a dating app can do is be really kind, respectful and supportive towards his wife.

Giving someone a wedgie is…erotic, right? Why was that a touchstone of bullies in the late 20th Century? Why are you grabbing someone’s underwear and yanking it towards you???

A woman should descend into madness in every movie

Name your child Soliloquy, you cowards

every man I’ve ever dated: I love your style, your clothes are so cool me: thanks! I think this shirt would look good on you them: THIS shirt??? This shirt is INSANE, I’d rather be shot into space than ever be seen in this, you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

Horror movies love to be like “The Party” or “The Retreat” and then it’s like “Okay so the twist is… you actually DON’T want to go to THIS party…”

Went to traffic court today where a woman revealed she’d been driving like normal even though she hadn’t had a driver’s license since 2010 & when asked why she didn’t get her license again she said “I didn’t know where to start with all that” which…honestly…same

I’m not afraid of the data gathering done on apps cuz I’m busy doing my own data gathering about how fucked up you all are

Grass stains were such a big part of my life as a kid. When’s the last time you got a bit of green on your knees??? I miss it. I desperately need someone to drag me facefirst through a field.

Hmmm okay what if there was a world where I showed someone love and didn’t torment them with endless hypotheticals?

Name your child Iowa, you cowards

If you didn’t spend hours agonizing over what to name your Sims, I don’t want to read your novel

Number one sign your friend has lived in NYC too long and you’ve lost them to the city is if they try to convince you that Tate’s are the best chocolate chip cookies in the world

dirty talk like this or gtfo

“I don’t care what galaxy this is and how long ago, NOBODY would name their kid ‘Mon Mothma’” - me, a woman named Chloe Cole

absolutely humiliating how much we humans need water