“College is the best four years of your life” Me so far:

parents: got any A's this semester? me: go fish

Santa: “rudolph with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?” rudolph after being treated like shit all those years for his nose:

Y’all thought the Burreaux Jersey made him a Louisiana guy? No no no, they just faded in Boosie into his heisman tape. THATS peak Louisiana. They gave Joe a Boosie fade.

I belong on a beach with messy hair, tanned skin, and all of the margaritas.

Excuse me, here’s your nose. I found it in my business.

hey sorry i forgot to text back, i was on tik tok for 3 hrs. wyd tho?

I’m gonna move.

do men’s ears actually fuckin work or are they just there for decoration?

i worked. so. hard. to get the squeaker out of that toy. and you just. threw it away

the first crunchy leaf of the season. just fell in the yard. i will go taste it. to determine how spooky. things are about to get

It’s an “add to cart” kind of day

2020 wonderings: Do I just have a headache or do I have the rona?

i'm already so annoyed that my grandkids are going to be interviewing me for book reports on the 2020 pandemic expecting me to be profound and i'm gonna have to be like "i spent all the whole thing sending friends tiktok links against their will and eating cake and crying"

It’s beginning to look a lot like happy hour🍷

LET ME REPEAT THAT I WANT MY SHIT BACK

If this doesn’t explain GSP’s, I don’t know what does

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me