"relationships are hard work" is great advice for people who are quick to bolt when things get tough, but terrible advice for people who will bend over backwards to try to make things work from the outset.

i’m so jealous of her

men love it when you call them cutie patooties trust me just do it

18- I’m literally an adult now Me- ok 18- Stop treating me like a child Me- ok 18- Just butter on my noodles though Me- ok

my body is a machine that converts normal experiences into deep deep embarrassment and shame

Some of you never went to the hall closet and reached in the back and found a paper bag and opened it and found a VHS tape and put it in the machine and saw your dad take your mom to pound town - And it shows.

people seem to get very annoyed with me pretty frequently I should really be monetizing this account

true, and I accepted this many years ago.

I have to grow out my moustache and make it trashy for this potential job and it's already begun

Whoever gets a boner first LOSES!!!

the world can be a very cruel place but at least ice cream exists

having a “racist phase” is not normal

I'm sorry but if you wear a sleeveless hoodie there is no hope for you.

illegally streaming the muppet movie. as rizzo the rat intended

ever since I told the guy at the convenience store that I really don't want to smoke anymore, they've very conveniently been sold out of my preferred brand every time I've been in and nobody told me my guardian angel was gonna be a lil indian dude named Kamal but I love him.

If I cannot joke about suicide, this will never work.

don’t put words in my mouth that’s where the hotdogs go

Every time my brain reads MLB: Martin Luther Baseball

I need a bunch of tattoos and piercings, but all I can afford is... *counting out change* mozzarella sticks.

therapist: grumpy receipt eagle can't hurt you, they're not real grumpy receipt eagle: