Today's approach to life: Do you know what anxiety needs? Caffeine.

My bestie, when he found out that I’ve been using a broken hair brush for a decade: “Why would you keep it??” Me: “Because it was inconvenient to replace… and it still functioned. So the same reason I stayed in that relationship apparently 🫠🫠”

sorry i actually do not care if sidney crosby is almost eligible for the seniors discount at shoppers drug mart he needs to be at the games in 2030

__ Single __ Taken ✅ Waiting for my coworker’s boyfriend’s long-lost third cousin to show up and fall in love with me

Infinitely grateful I’m not going to have to explain to my ex that my guy best friend bought me perfume for Christmas because the theme was “nice things we want buy for ourselves”

Moose tracks should have a peanut butter ripple too

I have dry needles one of my forearms. Trying to work up the gumption for round two/non-dominate hand needling/ needling my dominant arm 🫠

Sympathetic acupuncture switches and a bath might just be my new life hack

And thank goodness for towel warmers 🥰

Working with AI to try to turn excel data into pretty pictures

Living for bartenders in Utah calling me trashy ✌🏻✌🏻

My nephew moved to Utah, but this week I got to tell him in person how much I miss rearranging the couch cushions ❤️

Boss got after me today for my face conveying sass when I was listening to him complain about the messy office🫠🫠

I’m just a girl standing in front of a dating app, hoping it’ll send me a man who cares enough to learn at least a few steps in my “What do I want to drink today” algorithm Or at least someone who understands that autism = I have a “What do I want to drink today” algorithm

God bless Porter Airlines and their complimentary beer on flights. It’s gonna make this 13-hour travel day considerably less heinous

To the literal children about to get on my flight:

In case any of you were ALSO reconsidering your policy of avoiding Pearson at all costs… got on an elevator. Narrowly avoided the bag of puke exploded on the floor. #NeverYYZ

The bread for toast was moldy, so I’m eating a cream puff. Happy freaking Thursday.

Gotta love a day where you unexpectedly end up overstimulated at a medical appointment, and then you still have a bunch of random work to do, but your brain has decided to no longer process visual input

This. This is why we don’t give medium ugly guys with fish in their photos a chance.