I live in the Midwest, it's severe weather not the zombie apocalypse.

The universe decides what's deserved, not its inhabitants.

Please don't assume you know what another deserves or doesn't.

That's just your opinion.
It's understandable that you'd confuse your fiction for something factual.

I went to see a stand-up comic billed as the Swedish Jerry Seinfeld. His specialty was ABBAservational humor.

If Trump were a rapper his name would be Jay Zzzzzzzzzzzs!

Sometimes a good laugh is all you need to get the hundreds of thoughts out of your head.

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny... then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

When AI can count sheep for me then I’ll be impressed

Hairball for your thoughts?

FOMO is fear of missing out.
ROMO is fear of tying shoes.

If you stop pretending to like the Fast and Furious movies, they will stop making them.

The hot guy at work just lifted his eyebrows and smiled at me when he walked by. Do you think he was asking me out?

I hope this email finds you, finding yourself

According to Twitter, everyone and their mama passed the bar exam

Every day we stray further away from Jesus

We should also have background checks on all t-shirt cannon purchases.

She was beautiful, silent, and mysterious…like the d in Bundt cake.

Sometimes it's better to have loved and lost than never to have steered his ship into the rocks with your siren song

LOOK AT ME GODDAMNIT

-daffodils

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.