a real and frankly alarming 911 call

about once every 4 months i get hungry and convince myself there’s no way chipotle can just be permanently bad now and i’m wrong every time

“this is my 3rd high end toilet” and “Scary” are sending me to the afterlife

that was me, sat down too fast, sorry guys

gave my gf the ick by wearing the eclipse glasses

a hill i will die on is that using the costco parking lot is more stressful than storming the beaches of normandy

psychologist here. myself and colleagues saw the writing on the wall before he was elected.

simpler times

revisiting a classic

shuffling back to bed from the bathroom half asleep at 2am and watching my bed turn into an air tight bunker as the house starts to shake

being a regular guy named dostoevsky back in the day must have sucked shit. someones always saying, are you *the* dostoevsky? and every time you have to be like, bro no i’m a different dostoevsky

imagine hating me and i’m just at home like this

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

truest tweet and reply i’ve ever seen

doesn’t really feel like 9/11 this year

(my dog from the back seat) hey you ran that grey light