You, two women laughing and cheering on your phones during penalty shootout in front row of theatre for ... ... something called 'Titanic: The Musical'. Me, lover and respecter of theatre and cinema, and of good audience behaviour there:

If only I had a £ for every time I overheard someone in Middlesbrough comparing Brexit with the homage paid by King John to Philip II at Le Goulet in 1200. x.com/bbclaurak/stat…

#TrumpUKVisit #ThePrince #WerckmeisterHarmonies #Trump #TrumpBaby

While he's wantonly soiling our territory and cluelessly fucking with our politics, here are our 2017Wipe (it was cancelled) notes on you-know-who.

#TrumpBabyBlimp is a sight to see.

Look in the loop. #TrumpProtests Armando Iannucci

Earth has not anything to show more fair: Dull would he be of soul who could pass by A sight so touching in its majesty: x.com/JohnWilson14/s…

These came a twitter-breath apart. One of many lessons here - never trust anyone who spells it 'mediaeval'. #WTF #RichardDawkins

'Hello, I'm [insert name of celebrity presenting documentary] and I've always been fascinated by [insert subject of documentary]. So I'm going on a journey to find out [insert what team of researchers has found out].'

My roots are brazingly showing And I have a hole in my Primark socks I had macaroni cheese for dinner And micro chips straight out of the box Tomorrow I'm going to B&M To buy a new toilet seat But I voted remain in the referendum I guess that makes me fucking elite #EliteAF

So the cat's on bitter antibiotics syringed into his mouth. Gets a lovely tuna in spring water treat afterwards, but his first reaction is pure Mark Gatiss 💙 from Nighty Night:

Remember when there was a people’s vote march and leavers kept saying “17 million is more than 700,000” well anyways here’s the leave means leave demonstration

Me, basically, to every critic who stubbornly refuses to get Luca Guadagnino's Suspiria. It's not meant to be a strict 'remake' - what would be the point of that? It's a response, and a damn fine piece of film. Grown-up horror.

I find one of the best things about watching late night episodes of The Inbetweeners is that you get to find out what the official British Sign Language description of "BUMDER" is.

#Christmas

Eggy’s a very special boy we rescued in a terrible condition. It’s likely he‘d been fending for himself outdoors for a long time. He’s now been neutered, the parasites are gone, he’s been nursed to health by volunteers & is now looking for a loving, quiet, indoor #foreverhome 1/2

I've been wondering what that special place in hell looks like, for those who promoted #Brexit, without even a sketch of a plan how to carry it out safely.

Oh no! The barrier's down. How will I get into work?