Me: Brain, how do you write "definitively" again? Brain: lol idkn look it up like you always have to Me: I wonder what's going on with the guy who played Carlton on Fresh Prince Brain: You mean Alfonso Ribeiro? Spelled exactly like that?

Nothing relaxes me like having a gun pressed to the base of my neck

Five years of studying literature and another five writing dick jokes on the internet has made me qualified for one thing and one thing only: Writing the definitive essay on meme theory cracked.com/article_29538_…

First they came for the potatoes and I did not speak out Because I am only half-potato

"It puts the lotion on the skin and then it gets to drum again"

But if Prince Philip's dead who's going to haunt Buckingham Palace

Am I having a stroke?

If I ever get shot four times in the chest I hope it too won't interfere with celebrity dog news

this white boy summer is gonna be lit

Of all the hills I choose this one to die on

These are mostly teenagers. The Belgian government kicked them back into tiny classrooms of 30+ back in September. With no mask mandate. The most shocking thing about this picture is that we still have enough healthy highschoolers left to fill a square.

Why the FUCK did we put this man in charge of the coronavirus response?

They're only Belgian waffles if they come from the region of Belgium, otherwise they're sparkling pancakes

Forgot trick or treating's back so I'm handing out emergency Ferrero Rochers in a makeshift ascot and telling kids to call me Mr. Ambassadeur

Rich🌕Luczzzurious🌕Unique🌕

Following the coloured lines on hospital floors would be such a time-saver if I could stop my brain from worrying I'm about to Wile E Coyote into a painted wall

Human: Here's a thing Cat: I don't care about the thing Human: Okay I'll get rid of the thing Cat: Don't you dare I've never wanted anything more in my life than the thing Human: I'll bring the thing back then Cat: Get that fucking garbage out of my sight