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Whispering "your scholarships just been revoked" into his ear before I snap his neck so loudly everyone on the train pukes

When I was five, I sat on Mall Santa’s lap and he asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I innocently replied “a girlfriend”. He let out a jolly chuckle, bent me over and started fucking me. The elves, the holiday shoppers, and even my own mother all pointed in unison and laughed

Me spreading Christmas cheer

None of you guys are going to be laughing when I get my hands on the device. You know the one. The device with the big red button and retractable antenna that has the word ‘Kill’ labeled on the front of it😏

Which one of my lovely mutuals is going to step up to the plate and take on the responsibility of becoming my AA sponsor?

Sad that I never got to do a “these are the account that you need to be following” post and tag a bunch of my knuckledragging moots in it.

I gotta take a big ol’ pee right now

“I’m sorry kid, you’re getting sued too” “By the CEO’s family?” “No, by Nintendo. They say you can’t be legally called Luigi”

Shooting the CEO of Staples dead in the street for selling me a chinesium office chair that lead me to have to permanently wear a back brace.

Sitting in the Strack & Van Til parking lot after I dropped my 90 year old grandma off at her mutuals house so she could deliver some pumpkin rolls and cut the shit up with her for exactly 1 hour.

*Drives past a street named Edgewood* Me:

A guy in realtree just saw me spitting dipper into a empty water bottle and gave me a burning look of disgust. These Hicklibs are out of control, Ya’ll!