Fuck paper straws. They are the dumbest thing ive ever seen. Trying to drink liquid through a piece of paper is dumb as fuck.

I'll just say it, Brad Paisley has the best version of Winter Wonderland, and Luke Bryan wins for Run Run Rudolph.

Y'all can't be serious that Lainey Wilson beat Morgan Wallen for best new album. MW has been breaking records, not just within country music but across all genres. #CMAawards #GoWokeGoBroke

Quote from the book I'm reading, "his eyes were a pale celery in the sun". Celery is disgusting, I can't imagine this being a compliment.

Legends never die ❤️🤍💙

Your 2023 Comeback Player of the Year is Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Baker Mayfield, as voted on by NFL on FOX fans

"if you burn mine, I'll shoot you" 🇺🇸

When you let your dog out in the backyard to potty for the first time but she's an apartment dog and doesn't understand why you're not going with her so you gotta put shoes on and walk her out still 🤦‍♀️🤣

Mom: "who is that hot guy from Top Gun?" Matt: "Tom Cruise"

Is it just me or does Blake Redferrin kinda sound like morgan wallen ? #JackandDietCoke

"that's the first time I threw up in my hand and threw it out the window" B Lane

"Maybe the best way to cope with the loss of the people we love is to find them in as many places and things as we possibly can. And in the off chance that the people we lose are still somehow able to hear us, maybe we should never stop talking to them"

When the veteran female carrier that you think is the best carrier at your station tells you "good luck on the new route, I think you're a badass carrier". Not much can make you feel better than that. 💪🏻🤘🏻

How long is January?!? It's been 3 months already, wtf.

Matt: Who is this, it sounds like Jonas Brothers Me: How do you know what the Jonas Brothers sound like?

October 6, 2025 conversation: Matt - it's still September??? Me - stares at him in disbelief

"You don't know what death is" - Dr. Loomis 🎃

Matt: "oh I gotta text your brother" Me: "which one?" Matt: "Lane" Me: ??? Matt: "Brian Lane"

Matt: young Jonas Brothers kinda sound like Taylor Swift 🤣🤣