Comfortably Smug "A man in his underwear, with a hammer, got past security, broke through ballistic glass, and attacked Paul Pelosi, who was also in his underwear and armed with a hammer, just as police arrived to witness it?" "Wow. I didn't know that. You're telling me now for the first time."

The president was reportedly in the stall for 45 minutes and when he came out he was overheard telling a ballot worker, “the toilets on the fritz, man”

This is more disheartening than finding out gigantic asses are going extinct

I dunno man. While you’re freezing to death this winter because there’s no more oil or electricity, don’t you want a nice meaty woman to share body warmth with and most likely end up eating?

I once saw Craig Robinson walking out of the comedy cellar and I yelled out “hey look it’s that guy!” All the people standing around started to swarm him and the look of annoyance on his face that I personally caused caused felt better than any autograph ever could.

I also once saw Ron Jeremy with a hat on walking with a gigantic breasted woman in Manhattan trying to be low profile. From across the street I yelled “attaboy Ron!” and again he got swarmed for people wanting an autograph and a photo. You can get drunk on that kind of power.

I love how this gelatinous blow hard has been screaming about saving democracy for a month as if the republicans haven’t fiercely defended the status quo like their lives depended on it for 200 years

Me if I ever meet the creative director behind Liberty Mutual’s advertising

Watch this new show, hosted by a man who says he’s had sex before but I’ll believe it when I see it. 🤬Anthony Zenhauser🤬

There’s too many people from Massachusetts driving on the Merritt parkway. They’re terrible drivers and fuck up the flow of traffic constantly. We need to build a wall and make Massachusetts pay for it.

Watching ep 1 of Ancient apocalypse on Netflix and I’m in shock at the amount of plastic and garbage and shit washed up on the shore of the beach in Indonesia. Like I’m forced at gunpoint to buy a shitty electric car cuz these dickheads love throwing their trash in the sea

Can you imagine how good it’d feel to punch this person in the face?

Give me ten of this guy and I’ll show you the violentest insurrection you’ve ever seen

I’d rather hire a male prostitute to really blow my asshole out. It’d cost a lot less and feel slightly better.

JUST ANNOUNCED: HULK HOGAN IS A DUMB SON OF A BITCH

I hope his replacement is Donald Trump just to see Jon Cooper and about 50 other of the most annoying people on Twitter die of a heart attack

Elon To Stay As Twitter CEO After Counting Mail-In Votes babylonbee.com/news/elon-to-s…

At least one out of 635 of the people representing us is at least touching on how absolutely shitty they are at spending our tax money.

Biden Says He’ll Shoot Down Chinese Spy Balloon As Soon As He’s Done Letting It Spy babylonbee.com/news/biden-say…