BREAKING NEWS? More like BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR NEWS am I right haha oh my god we are so doomed

We are about two days away from Trump announcing that he thinks he should be considered for Super Bowl MVP

It Ends With Us? More like The NeverEnding Story

Do you ever think you’d be fully healed if your therapist would just admit you are their favorite client

Men on the internet who tell women they’re ugly are the same men who have been given more fake numbers than the investors of Fyre Festival

For Lent I’m giving up believing that shitty people can change <3

thanks for spending time with me today. can u just fill out this questionnaire - did i act ok - was i cool - was i fun - did you have fun - did i do anything wrong

playing hard to want

“There are plenty of fish in the sea.” Have you SEEN the fish (men)? And the sea (Earth)? Woof.

The usage of an ellipsis in a work email feels dark and ominous. “Hey can you hop on a call…” um that depends Rick are you planning on harvesting my organs or did you just forget how to export a PDF again?

100 men vs asking even one follow up question

IDK I personally love coming on this app to get 3 likes max

Me revealing my real job at Final Tribal: “I am NOT a doctor. I’m actually a struggling comedy writer working two part-time retail jobs. Feels like yall should’ve known I was lying bc I fainted when one of our tribemates got a splinter. Anyway. Money please!!!” #Survivor48

I don’t know who needs to hear this…but everyone is really really mad at you. It’s bad. You should leave town. Right now. With nothing but the clothes on your back. Hurry! Before it’s too late!!!!

My screenplay was greenlit! (The long-winded joke I made in the group chat got two “haha”s)

“We are playing chess not checkers.” Sweetie we are playing the violin as the titanic sinks.

Show me a guy who posts about being a “high value man” on instagram and I will show you a failed real estate agent.

“Quite frankly”- every bigot losing a debate

“Trust your gut!” Good advice but I have OCD so my “gut” tells me that I’m responsible for the disappearance of Amelia Earhart

Guys can’t we just agree to disagree on whether or not someone should be treated as a human being I mean sheesh