It sucks being sick, but I have to admit that it is immensely satisfying to cough up what seems to be Satan’s jizz itself.

The most unbelievable part of the Farmer in the Dell is the fact that the cheese is left standing alone at the end. Cheese? Left alone? Get real.

Friends, Iowaians, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come to eat corn.

Me: I'm excited about tomorrow! Them: Maybe temper that excitement a little. Me: I'M ANGRY ABOUT MY EXCITEMENT!!!

My favorite Renaissance painter is the one who was good at machines.

As Donald Trump readies to return to the Oval Office, U.S. retailers that depend on foreign suppliers are prepared to pass along the cost of his proposed import tariffs to consumers, potentially leading to higher prices for a range of products. cbsn.ws/48Lnwcc

Just looked up buyer's remorse for no particular reason

I can't wait to buy a bag of chips for $10.99 that contains three (3) chips inside of it.

[getting angry at the price of eggs] i bet sauron will fix this

I AM VERY ANGRY ABOUT THE UNISEX BATHROOM IN MY HOUSE

The doctor said I have a case of irony poisoning and it's terminal(ly online)

Billionaires shouldn't exist (Taylor's version)

ME: Googling Weimar Republic GOOGLE:

Someone told me I'm incredulous and I find that hard to believe

Franz Ferdinand had a song titled Take Me Out and people wonder why that dude got assassinated.

Maybe the real enemy within are the friends we made along the way

not the checkout camera, but close enough santa claus, logging in

the horrors may persist, but i guess my interpersonal skills & human connections do not.

BRAIN GENIUSES ON TWITTER: DOGE CAN GO THROUGH THE EPSTEIN LOGS AND EXPOSE THE SECRET PEDOPHILES IN OUR GOVERNMENT MEANWHILE OUR GOVERNMENT:

Happy Self Care Sunday. Have some waffles. Pet a dog. Masturbate. Watch John Wick and practice karate naked in the living room. Cut your own hair. Drink 3 RedBulls and throw a knife at God. You're worth it.