Me: I don’t understand why every animated movie has to be remade in live action. It’s clearly just a safe cash grab for everyone involved. Also me: OMG TOOTHLESS!!!!!

Y’all out here dogging Chris Collinsworth every week when Tom Brady is literally right there.

The dirty secret is that most Americans don’t want to help other Americans. They only want to help if it includes them or someone like them.

The plural of Jedi is Jedi.

Not me scowling at Snoop during the NFL Playoff intro

*Kelce makes a catch* Me: SHOW HIS GIRLFRIEND, YOU COWARDS

Ridiculous.

Every week, Ben Johnson gets further and further into his bag, and I fucking love it.

Philip Wynkoop Americans didn’t elect Trump. White people did. Hope this helps!

Okay, Kevin Burkhardt, don’t think we didn’t notice that you’ve used the word “moribund” twice on tonight’s broadcast.

“For me, it was the five turnovers for the Lions.“ No shit? Thanks for that top-tier commentary, Tom.

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Doomscrolling the weather app doesn’t provide the same amount of dopamine

So y'all gave him $300,000,000 for a party you can't come to, then gave him $70,000,000,000 for a coin you can't spend, because a carton of eggs cost $1 more than it used to. Y'all are fucking idiots.

Love radicalized Irving. #Severance

Don’t forget to unfollow the potus and vp accounts on all platforms.

Hey kids, I know this isn’t an airport, so I don’t have to announce my departure, but I think I need a bit of a detox. Especially considering the week ahead. If you *know me* know me, then you know where to find me. In the meantime, be kind & take care of one another.