A D a day? This attitude is genetically engineered for destruction. Lack of D doesnt cause it. It just dissolves the barrier between me & an unholy symphony of unbothered rage, lip gloss, and questionable decisions. Want calm? Call FEMA, bring snacks and watch ur fucking tone 😂

"And you? You get stagnant wages, crippling health care costs, cheap dopamine debt, and a flag to wave -probably made in China- while they pick your pocket for 40 years." Elect this guy President! He knows more about what's going on in our country than most people who live here.

Roses are red, violets are blue, you folded the laundry, so now I'll fold me for you! 😉🤭

I used to think sexy was abs and jawlines. Turns out it's a man with a trimmer who knows where his ear hair lives.

I came to Twitter for the smut and memes. I leave for like 5 minutes Now it's just politics and celebrity gossip. God forgot me. 😣

😆

😉

Manifesting success by making direct, unbroken eye contact with the universe while whispering, “You wanna be a little freak for me or what.”

Ain’t love beautiful? At first, you’re nervous just being around him. Fast forward 16 months, and you’re hollering through the bathroom door mid-poop about whether y’all need milk. Consensus: he's on his way to get the milk. They should write songs about us.

And that 9/10 is thinking her hardest decision is between the 4/10 who can afford the lifestyle she wants or the 9/10 who can't and/or who would cheat on her or "trade her in" once she gets older. Darn! Decisions. Decisions. Choose wisely and may the odds be ever in your favor.

I didn’t set out to change his life. I just came with good jokes, decent pasta, and the gravitational pull of a dying star. He really should have read the fine print. 🤷‍♀️😆

😂😆 Oof! Who am I kidding? I couldn't get ready in 5 minutes if I'd gotten started an hour ago. 😂

Lol at least that many. 😂

I’ll ruin your life but like... in a way that makes your friends say, “Okay, but you seem happier???”

😅😅😅

😂😂😂

💯💯💯🙌🙌🙌

I swear, if they ever marketed bidets as “the fire extinguisher for your pee hole” sales would skyrocket.

My hobbies include: Overthinking. Being accidentally intimidating. Having a heart so soft it shouldn’t be legally allowed in public.

I'm not bitter. I'm just extremely hydrated and hyper aware of everyone's bullshit. 🙄