I'll straight up listen to "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay" while I'm dancing in the street, and "Dancing in the Street" while I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay. I really don't give a shit anymore.

They shouldn't publicly announce any celebrity deaths until the montage at the Oscars. We all find out together at the exact same time.

👏STOP👏CALLIN'👏GLUE👏"CRAZY"👏YOU👏DON'T👏KNOW👏ITS👏LIFE👏YOU👏DONT👏KNOW👏WHAT👏IT'S👏BEEN👏THROUGH!👏

My most recent book didn't get a lot of love or sell many copies. I know that's the norm, so for all us out there working mostly because we have this weird compulsion, keep it up, your art matters too ❤️

Just brought a bunch of my old shit to Trader Joe's to do some trading but those assholes will only take money. Trader Joe's is a lie and whatnot.

You could never make Blazing Saddles today because if you did, powerful movie lawyers would send you a cease and desist letter saying there’s already a movie called Blazing Saddles from 1974 with the same script and cast and so you can’t make it

Roger Corman, one of the most influential movie directors in my life, has passed away. It was my privilege to know him.He was a great friend. He shaped my childhood with science fiction movies and Edgar Allen Poe epics. I'll miss you, Roger.

Damn. Turns out my cameo was cut from the new Mad Max movie, where I run out and yell, "Y'all get these loud ass gokarts outta here I'm tryin' to watch Shark Week and whatnot!" I appreciate privacy during this difficult time.

CNN: trump shot at rally Conservative Twitter: CNN says Trump fell don’t trust mainstream media

Please be Hinckley

Don't even ask about the time I took Bob Seger to the disco. I couldn't even get him out on the floor. Although we did have fun reminiscing about the days of old and whatnot.

Buys building in the Civic Center, on Market Street, is surprised there are drug addicts there…

Just found out my union dues for my $16 hour job is $660 a year with a $210 initiation fee. Broken as fuck

My generation’s version of this was the advice “do what you love, the money will follow.” I’m 55 now making $16/hour

I understand that my dog needs to clean herself but does she have to slurp?

Trump gets all his facts from playing Cards Against Humanity

Never sending this guy to buy

I am being downgraded to a regional treasure. I appreciate privacy during this difficult time.