Why does my Pirates of the Caribbean DVD have a piracy warning? I'm pretty sure that's implied in the title.

I think it’s time to introduce you to Wendy.

I hate shopping, but I love those lanes at the store where you can just bag your groceries, make some beep-boop noises and walk out without paying.

I just read a very sad statistic that something like 2% of all pizza goes un-Instagrammed.

If I go to your house for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please don't ask me if I want a tour.

I'm starting to think monkeys avoid talking to us just to dodge paying taxes

Still pretty upset with my mom for lying about one of my toes being a little piggy that ate roast beef

Hey, can everyone just stop making new movies and TV shows for a while so I can catch up?

I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He didn't die and now I'm jealous of how great his hair looks.

If you're ever in a bind, I'd recommend popping open your car's trunk and setting free 10,000 butterflies as the most magical way to escape the police.

I'm excited to share that I've joined as a producer for the upcoming horror film 'The Cellar'! 🎥 Check out our Indiegogo campaign for exclusive perks. We're currently at 75% funded with only 5 days left! igg.me/at/The-cellar/… Teaser trailer:

We only have 9 hours left for you to claim discounted perks for 'The Cellar'! We would love any help to support our final costs! 👉igg.me/at/The-cellar/… #SupportIndieFilm #Filmmaking

I think it's only fair that airlines let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide on your birthday.

A resilient, gutsy, and historic evening in Houston sends us into the Round of 16 of the U.S. Open Cup for the first time in club history! #DCTID

It’s not over until it’s over.

Weird. I guess majority of America didn't have an issue electing a really old dude to run the country after all.

Great job, everyone. Anti-vax & conspiracy theorist RFK Jr. is now going to be in charge of our public health agencies.

Fun fact: 54% of Americans can’t read above a 6th grade level. So if you’ve ever wondered why nearly every person you interact with is a complete idiot…that’s why.

Waking up today made last night feel like a fever dream… until reality hit.