hopttps://www.washingtonpost.com/lol l

warned my wife that if we do go hyundai for our next car she will have to deal with me singing “lady, step into my hyundai” at least once a week

with zach

starting to see small cracks

Hi it's me, Grammy award winning musical legend Elton John. So.... uhhh... it's hard for me to admit, but I wrote a song about how great you are. Is that okay??? I hope you don't mind.

For me twitter is about two things: 1. Writing jokes that maybe 2-3 people TOPS will understand. 2. Letting random people I don't know rile me up about something that has very little material consequence to my life and that I had no intention of paying attention to today.

unless forced to by the FTC or something, twitter can read DMs even after both sides delete the messages. It’s possible they are deleted from the database but at the very least I bet it’s only after some time period.

The fact the CBS crew on the Thanksgiving parade don’t know Bluey is a girl. Don’t disrespect the goat like that.

I can’t wait to not be verified anymore

“Apocalypse Looming”

Many of you sent me that spectacular AI art of "Jodorowsky's TRON." I felt inspired to take a stab at the concept with some other properties. Step into a dark portrait of the human psyche in... Jodorowsky's FRASIER

We need to shut down letting recently divorced men online until we can figure out what's going on.

I have intrusive thoughts in the form of terrible jokes.

An FBI agent who was on trial for attempted murder in Montgomery County was found not guilty, and there are still many sales to take advantage of for the holidays. Here's the News4 Rundown: nbc4dc.com/ecIBbmm

wave

See the job. Do the job. Stay out of the misery.

*wakes up and looks at phone* ah let's see what fresh horrors await me on the fresh horrors device

I was shoveling the walk and said to my 80 year old neighbor, "At least it's pretty." He replied, "It sure does cover up the folly of man"❤️