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Just going to come out and say it, I just ate a leftover lox bagel for my late night snack. I don’t care what people will say about me. It was delicious.

incredible meme, absolutely top tier and you heathens won’t accept it

Just remembered that there was a time in my life where my rationale for wearing boxers to school was in case I got pantsed. No other reason except the fear of being dicks out at recess.

Just cold called and got the voicemail of an old man whose answering machine message said “I can’t find my phone but as soon as I do I’ll call you back.” I love imagining this guy punching air trying to find his phone again while it rings out somewhere. It’s the little things.

I looked up the Taylor Swift/Jake Gyllenhaal story and figured out they dated for like 4 months. She’s still trippin about attending his family’s 2011 Thanksgiving dinner and looking at a scrapbook. If I’m ever in a position to date Taylor, I will not for these reasons.

U remember this all too well 🤣

The Old MacDonaldification of cinema

a wise man once said

Aubrey Hirsch Silence, their dog, their favorite hard drink, their favorite food, a mutual love and respect of a woman, smart and responsible children, man cave, a job they love, financial stability, and a Blu-Ray of Die Hard, Lethal Weapon & HEAT.

at the water fountain just past airport security frantically refilling my aquarium

Me and the boys rolling up to the Phoebe Bridgers concert in Asbury Park, NJ tonight:

Zoetrope A Little Thin On Plot bit.ly/3tNhLXV

when a southerner finally gets their food order after waiting a really long time

*nine year old me at Payless with my mom* Mom: see how it feels when you run Me:

Haters mad because I can experience childlike wonder

In 2007 the CEO of AMC Adam Aron paid me $2500 to create a show about drugs and teaching. You guys probably know the show as Breaking Bad but here was the original script

Praying BeReal happens right now so I can post this heirloom tomato

Imagine you go out to dinner and there's a goddamn family band playing this in the restaurant until everyone is in tears