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I know you guys like being neglected buuut Instagram is the only platform I regularly use so FOLLOW ME 😈😈😈 instagram.com/RubyDerrière Pic Tymwhitney

[family feud] Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence... Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

I don't even like sleep, it's just the only way I can eat spiders

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who cries every time a Humane Society commercial comes on TV.

Only 2000s kids will get this [dies of disease preventable by routine immunization]

HER: I want to be a bird in my next life. ME: *nodding* I too want to live in a home made of garbage.

Grandad wanted an open casket funeral but no one expected him to die of a viagra overdose & they couldn't even close the lid for cremation.

shortest 1st date I've ever been on was when this girl asked what's my favorite movie & I said Ghostbusters & then she asked what's it about

[girlfriend in a coma] *leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me...where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

I just enjoy the looks on people's faces when they peer into the buggy to see my baby and realise it's a gammon ham with a face drawn on it.

My knees are really hurty and I haven't had sex in 7 years: A journey into professional parkour.

A strip club for cats, but the customers just come to lay on the dancer's discarded clothing.