Purdue Purdue Purdue Purdue Purdue Purdue Purdue Purdue Purdue Purdue RT this to give the Boilers all your energy. It probably doesn’t work, but do you dare risk it?

.Fox News My jeans may be Relaxed Fit, but there's nothing "relaxed fit" about my interpretation of the Constitution. #NOBAMA

If Obama was the president of Kenya, he would be their first white president.

Spring is in the air.

.@WolfBlitzer I've never seen my wife naked.

Coachella’s fine if you just want to hook up, but I met both my wives at the Gathering of the Juggalos.

Guess I know what was in the water now “CNN: Portland water supply to be flushed after teen urinates into reservoir cnn.it/1laDxt4”

Woke from nap on plane with the BIGGEST boner (I'm capable of). Kudos to my seatmates for pretending to "not notice."

Accidentally text the wrong person? Immediately put your phone on airplane mode and once it fails to deliver, delete the message.

A message to the graduating class of 2014, from @drewmagary: deadsp.in/Ml5Vwla

.Belgium maybe you won the game but you would still fit inside new hampshires asshole

.@EllenPage my stepdad backed over my razor scooter so I will be late to meet you at the mall ,i have to walk

"Bill Gates was a drop out" Yes, but he dropped out of Harvard not 11th grade intensive reading.

How does it feel to be deflated, Seattle?

#WeDidOurJob!! (D-Mac)

.Rick Perry failed on the border. He should be forced to take an IQ test before being allowed to enter the GOP debate.

How did it go from 40 seconds to 10 seconds? Robbery.

Remember when the two failed presidential candidates, Lindsey Graham and Jeb Bush, signed a binding PLEDGE? They broke the deal, no honor!