I talk a lot of shit for a person who needs to ask strangers to get down the cereal from the high shelf at the supermarket.

Replying “fine, thanks” when someone asks “how are you”

• bland
• predictable
• suggests tacit approval of pointless social conventions

Replying “impatiently waiting for the old ones to awaken”

• mysterious
• foreboding
• likely to prevent additional mundane chit chat

Therapist: what is a good way for you to unwind?

Me: doom scroll and catastrophize

Therapist: no.

Summer is almost here and it’s never too early to think about which of your oppressors you’ll be sacrificing to the harvest goddess for solstice.

Me: maybe it would be nice to get out a little

Me after getting out a little: I am never leaving the house again

Things I have in common with crows:

• always wear black
• enjoy the outdoors
• appreciate pretty sparkly things
• vengeful when crossed

Unpopular opinion: the best thing young people can do early in their careers is study the dark arts, compel a demon to do their work, and get ahead by conveniently being the only one who knows how to rid the office of the poltergeist they actually summoned in the first place.

Do something that makes you feel alive. Go for a dip in the sea. Terrify bystanders as you come ashore. Rampage through a city breathing fire and stomping on architecture that displeases you. Carpe diem, baby!

“DoN’t LeT tHiNgs BoTHer yOU sO mUcH!”

Wow! Why didn’t I think of that? What a revelation!

No, I’m not fine, I’m a centuries old witch cut off from my rightful powers and trapped in a fragile human form.

I don’t know how we were led to believe men are obsessed with the Roman Empire, they’re actually obsessed with bickering about Star Wars.

I’m not going to have a mid-life crisis. My whole life has been a crisis. I’m going to have a mid-life escalation.

“I’m the girl of his dreams”
• bland
• sets unrealistic expectations
• focuses on male desire

“I’m the girl of his nightmares”
• subverts traditional gender power dynamics
• let’s him know you’re not to be trifled with
• hot in an ominous way

People often ask if it’s too late in life to do something. Annie Wilkes didn’t kidnap her fave author until middle age. Godzilla was millions of years old when he reached fame. Lucifer was eons old when he rebelled against his overbearing father. It’s never too late for anything!

Do I battle my own demons?

No.

Do I have a peaceable agreement with my demons wherein they agree to mostly be chill publicly if I let ‘em rage privately?

100%

I am a lot like the void — dark, unknowable, and empty inside.

There is no rule that says you can’t be a captivating forest pixie and an intimidating ancient hell goddess. Hecate had three forms. You needn’t commit to just one.

Things we are welcoming this spring:

- getting outside

- enjoying the simple things

- offering men who tell us to smile to Cybele, the blood-fueled mother goddess, so the violets bloom

following my dreams (right off a cliff)

Actually, I’m exactly like the other girls.

(I wanna offer you to an infernal entity in exchange for otherworldly powers.)